Dear Octopus,
Whilst having lunch today in a shadowy Soho bistro with the architects of my Squid ancestry (les parents), I was reminded of the following recent altercation, which I have since felt you may find readable, if not amusing. It all started in the excessively loud and densely populated branch of HMV off Leicester Square, which I attended with with my faithful (if long-suffering) Worcesterite sidekick Al. Having an excellent ear for dialogue I can faithfully report that all of the following transpired exactly as recorded.
I approached a callow youth behind the counter:
ME: Good day
HIM: Good day sir
ME: I would like to exchange this copy of Cemetery Junction on Blu-Ray please
HIM: Is it faulty?
ME: It is not. The item was a gift from a relative who – although cherished to me – unfortunately lacks the technological acumen to distinguish between relevant entertainment formats
HIM: Do you have a receipt?
ME: I do not
HIM: Then with deepest regret I must desist. I cannot help you
ME: [Quickly] I realise sir that this might seem the way of it on the bare surface…but having checked your existing stock this Blu-Ray retails today at £20...all I want is to exchange it, useless to me as it is, for the corresponding DVD, which today retails at £8
HIM: So?
ME: So…by exchanging one disc for another I leave this store satisfied, and the store is capable of making £12 of pure profit just for the labour of placing a mere sticker
HIM: I see the direction of your entreaty sir, but I cannot change the rules
ME: I might remark sir that your stubbornness seems remarkably short-sighted, given the minimal risk and evident potential for immediate fiscal return…
HIM: …fiscal return is not the aim…
ME: …surely for a business fiscal return is always the aim…
HIM: I repeat, I cannot change the rules
ME: I’m sure your adherence to the rules varies greatly by their convenience to implement...
HIM: You dishonour me sir…
ME: …you dishonour yourself sir. I am offering nothing but fair trade; fairer than fair given this product's exceptional retail value
HIM: I am not interested in ‘fair trade’; I am interested in buying and selling
ME: So you do buy?
HIM: Only with a receipt
ME: …a receipt means next to nothing…
HIM: …it means nothing when you have one handy. When a receipt is sorely lacking it appears to mean everything
ME: Your philosophising does not help our predicament…
HIM: The predicament is all yours 'sir.' No amount of world-weary homilies or partial recollection of statutory law will make a story at which I might even sniffle, let alone sob. You have no credentials here. And as such...you...have....no....pedigree
ME: [Gulp] I’ve been told before
HIM: Maybe you ought to have paid heed
ME: My ‘stories’ are not intended to be sobbed at sir, my intentions are purely transactional, and the pursuit of fair treatment. And since you refuse to recognise justice I see this quickly developing into a quarrel…
HIM: …if there is a quarrel sir then I will happily pay my way in delivering one, but be aware that you are its custodian and instigator…
ME: …and you sir are denying a paying consumer his civil liberties! If not on my side then the law will certainly not be on yours, and I will have my say...
HIM: You are becoming a nuisance to the harmonious tranquillity of our shopping environment! These happily zeitgeist climes would be demonstratively improved by your immediate and permanent removal!
ME: And you sir are turning private parley into a most unpleasant exchange…and all in the presence of your other customers no less! If encouraging voyeurism is your requirement then allow me to oblige your design for a performance. You sir are a villain! A defrauder of decent folk in search of fair commerce; a sly sneak-thief, a brigand, a desperate charlatan drunk on the intoxicating nectar of his own meagre power! In plainer ages you would have been swept from the banks of this great river like the weeds brought on the evening tide!
HIM: I will not tolerate this onslaught of malicious slander…
ME: In that case sir allow me to release you from it! I demand to speak to the proprietor of this establishment at your earliest convenience
HIM: My convenience will not be coming early…
ME: Then I suggest you summon him immediately and I can beg forgiveness for your lost convenience at the satisfactory resolution of our business!
HIM: Fine!
ME: Fine!A frustrating dead end. A brief interview with the manager however resolved the situation to a satisfactory conclusion. Not only was the Blu-Ray of Cemetery Junction exchanged for the DVD equivalent 'sans' receipt, but I was given two further DVD's of my choosing by way of profuse apology.
I cannot take any credit; Al's vital temperance ensured a fair negotiation that adequately negated my rambling and ineloquent polemics. If he'd gone to a better school he'd be my hero.
Your loving friend,
Action Squid
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