Hello Darkness My Old Friend

Dear Octopus,


What's the best way of dealing with a shocking shitter of a day? I've realised this week that I don't know. The simple truth is: I'm tired (haven't slept properly in three nights), I hate my life (never have any cellotape, lost the handle to desk drawer and can't remember what's in it, book is shit, Tottenham aren't winning) and I need to find some way of either tackling this existential malaise or intoxicating myself so comprehensively that I can no longer say or spell either 'existential' or 'malaise.'


In search of some inspiration then, I took the question to the team, asking what they would do. The results were as follows:


Becca: Go to bed. Sleep puts misery on 'live pause'


Simon: Drink. Heavily. Beat up the wife (in a friendly way)


Rozi: Buy something expensive, eat something expensive


Jeremy: I'd probably go home, put on Rachmaninov's third piano concerto loud enough to annoy the neighbours, open a nice bottle of red, maybe even go really risque and taste it before it's breathed properly


Clare: Straight to the pub, drink lots


Aysha: Watch a feel-good movie


Mark: Strip club. Do not pass go, do not collect £200


A diverse and tricky collection of solutions, I think you'll agree. I know what you would do.....but frankly I'd struggle to get through Keanu Reeves's entire back-catalogue with a bottle of Chablis on a good day, let alone the Bruce Bogtrotter that is this one. The general consensus though does seem to revolve around my original idea of alcohol, so with the help of my good and excellent friend Mr. Alex Humpage I intend to retire to one of the West End's direst bolt-holes and aimlessly avoid the answers to life's petty miseries at the bottom of a bottle. The absolute bottom.


Wish me luck on getting home, if not enlightenment.


Your loving friend,


Action Squid