The following just occurred in the Strand branch of a well-known American coffee chain:
ME: Can I have a coffee please?
HER: What size?
ME: What are the options?
HER: What do you mean?
ME: I......hmmm.....you know what: I literally can't say it any simpler than that. I just want to know the options. I'm assuming there are options.
HER: I don't really see what you mean
ME: I just don't want to end up with a gallon of coffee that I roll out of here in a fucking barrel
HER: Well we have tall, grande or venti
ME: Well I'm guessing tall is the biggest....
HER: ....no, it's actually the smallest
ME: How can it be the smallest?
HER: What do you mean?
ME: Well it's not 'tall' is it?
HER: I don't know, I'd say it's pretty tall
ME: Not in comparison to the two other coffees that are fucking larger
HER: So do you want tall?
ME: No, I want grande
HER: So a medium
ME: Grande is medium?
HER: Yes
ME: I think the same observations apply to this as to 'tall'
HER: Well what size do you want?
ME: I want a big coffee. Simon specifically asked for a 'big coffee'
HER: I'm not seeing 'big coffee' on the till
ME: Try the opposite of tall
HER: Okay got it. What type of coffee?
ME: Oh Jesus....
HER: We have cappucino, espresso, mocha, mocha latte...
ME: I'll be honest with you, the phrase 'big coffee' is the sum of all the information I have
HER: Well what does Simon like?
ME: He likes the marching band of the Grenadier Guards
HER: No, what coffee does he like?
ME: Why would I know that?
HER: You don't talk about this?
ME: The nicest thing I can say about coffee is that I find it irrelevant
HER: So a cappucino then?
ME: Why would that mean a cappucino?
HER: Just a coffee hunch
ME: How long have you worked here?
HER: Five days. Do you think I'm doing a good job?
ME: I wouldn't start renting around here just yet
HER: So a venti cappucino, yes?
ME: I'll be honest....at this point if you offered me a plastic cup full of warm acid I would happily drink it
HER: I thought this was for Simon?
ME: The coffee was for Simon, the acid was for me
HER: We don't actually sell acid
ME: And this place is definitely the poorer for it
HER: Anything else?
ME: Becca wanted a green smoothie
HER: We don't have 'green.' We have papaya and kiwi or strawberry and dragonfruit
ME: What colours are they?
HER: The papaya and kiwi is green, the strawberry and dragonfruit is orange
ME: [Long pause]
HER: The papaya and kiwi?
ME: Yes, the papaya and kiwi
HER: That'll be £9
ME: You know what, I can believe that
The world is frustrated and decadent.
Your loving friend,
Action Squid
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