Your Problem Is You Run When You Ought To Fight, And Fight When You Ought To Deal...

Dear Octopus,


I'm not going to write to you for a short while if you don't mind; my book has been hugely neglected in recent weeks and I think that these letters are to blame. If I am ever to shrug away the confines of this dull, prosaic life than my best endeavours are required there, and required now in full.


Needless to say, Clare and I didn't get to Australia last night. We didn't even get past passport control. In fact my failure to ensnare Serena Bishop into a loveless marriage of convenience was so demonstrative, the punishment so bloodthirsty and cruel, that I'm convinced that my vile nemesis The Dragon has been at play again, and deliberately thwarted my ill-advised stratagems. So much so that Serena even commented on the arising scandal in her local newspaper The Melbourne Boomerang, and was quoted as saying, 'I've told him once, I've told him a thousand times, if that f***king Squid turns up here I'll fry his ass into f***king tempura.'  In short: game over sport. An otherwise dull conclusion to something that briefly seemed promising.


The last few weeks haven't been without benefit though, as there have been plenty of strange occurrences to masticate, mull over and hopefully learn from; all working parts of the ocean's infinitely varied and therefore infinitely interesting ecosystem. The most important things I've learned have been:

• Australian Visa restrictions are far more restrictive than casual daytime soap operas would have us believe.....especially those applied with a greasy truncheon in the store cupboard at the back of Heathrow Terminal One
• Serena Bishop is not quite as bright, not nearly so sweet and nowhere near as fun as she was painted out to be by her ailing grandfather, whose judgement on these matters I now place in serious question
• My office catching fire this morning proved that variety is certainly the seasoning of life (salt, pepper etc), if not the actual spice (paprika, turmeric, thyme)
• You are not quite as scary as I've long believed Octopus, and it was good to hear from you today, albeit briefly
• Clare is quite handy with a stun gun
• Pongo cooks a lovely roast
• Ultimately there are some things in life that just can't be accounted for or changed, and although we never really know anyone, it's important to accept that everything happens for the best. Serena: as highly as I think of you, I can't help but see that you're destined for a long wait on your barren emotional high-ground, and in this endeavour I can only wish you patience, and grace in your inevitable frustration

All in all, a good set of experiences to add to the collection; practical lessons of life at sea which will be of much use to an adventuring Action Squid still adjusting to life in the violet deep. Maybe you'll slyly agree that I've acquitted myself quite well, and even be proud of me.


Your loving friend,


Action Squid